my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him

Thank you. I have a question for those married to someone with ab. But there are certain challenges that you must be aware of if you are contemplatingliving with Aspergers spouse. Aspergers are usually characterized by social awkwardness and communication difficulties. Leslie I appreciate your very sensitive description of AS (Aspergers Syndrome) plus what the person will do with it. It was normal but there were still signs. A while back a book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Aspergers who wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. I am a little afraid to file for divorce because I am feeling like I might not be protected in court. The damage feels the same, the PTSD diagnosis is still PTSD. This can include things like always needing to have a specific routine, or doing the same thing over and over again. Praise God for that. She is the author of Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome. He often has problems managing anger and can appear rude, insensitive, and indifferent although he is usually shocked when someone accuses him of this because from his point of view he does care. If I dont want my kitchen scissors used in the garage and I say to leave them in kitchen I am causing a problem! We have four kids, 11, 9, and 5-yr old twins, one of whom was diagnosed ASD several years ago. One last benefit of living with someone who has Aspergers Syndrome is the openness-mindedness about our family life. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a neuro developmental disorder that can cause a variety of problems in life. I am an award winning Scottish stand up comedian. Just saying between nursing and Aspergers my life has been crazy. This can make it difficult for them to form and maintain relationships. But it is indeed important to distinguish between them. He cares. Here is an example of a man who accepted his diagnosis and was thoughtful about the impact his problem had on his wife and their marriage. However, there are some general things that you can do to help make your husband feel comfortable and supported. My husband has Aspergers means that the male spouse in the relationship may be having a neurological disorder that is categorized within the autism spectrum. Thank you for reading. Some people may not realize how important sex is in so many romantic relationships because they have little emotional connection to it. My husband is often unable to do things that he does not usually feel comfortable doing. A marriage or other long-term relationship can only succeed when a significant amount of effort is put into it. My husband is capable, but ignores the queues. Having someone to talk to will help you through this difficult time and allow you to express your feelings. This can make it difficult to form and maintain relationships. However, its important to invest in building self-awareness through therapy, reading books on autism/Aspergers, relationships, depression, anxiety, OCD, addictions, etc to understand what drives your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. My husband also has poor sensory processing, which means he can be over-sensitive or under-sensitive to sounds, smells, textures, etc. You need a lot of patience, love, and care. I am a RN in a pandemic. Thank you, Leslie, for covering this important topic, and thank you, Hope, for sharing your experience. Im now a nun and I want a lover. For example, I was taking a bath, something I rarely do, but had played pickleball and was all sweaty. Even though these behaviors are meant for the ASD partner, they can sometimes apply to the non-spectrum or neurotypical partner (NT) as well. You are 62. The only way to stay happy is to work with one another. How wonderful that your grandchildren have a dad who understands how to parent these special children! According to his mother, Jared was always a finicky child, even from the time he was a baby. If he refuses to listen or tries to gaslight you, then it may be time to leave the relationship. Additionally, with other layers of unions that involve, interracial, same-sex, physical or mental abilities would present with their own layers of challenges and strengths. Saturday our therapist suggested spectrum issues. I so appreciate it. Repeat after me, Life happensits okoh well. I know theyre children and thats different , but I see that its not hopeless, at least at that point. He is very loving and affectionate towards me, and he really makes an effort to let me know how much he loves me. I want to ask you about an Aspergers/ Neurotypical marriage. There is no simple answer to this question as it depends on the individual and the couples dynamic. Aspergers syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. You have carried the emotional burden long enough. (Although once hes clues in, he will need to be willing to work with you if repair is to take place.). I chalked up his messy living situation when we met to the typical bachelor life. We all have expectations of our values as an individual and part of the union of marriage. As a wise friend once said to me: "Eva, if we're not improving, we're regressing!". And work through the emotions you are currently experiencing. They seemed so small at the time. People with Aspergers may also have difficulty making conversation or keeping up conversations because of how they interact socially and what topics they choose to talk about if any at all. Mantra Care aims at providing affordable, accessible, and professional health care treatment to people across the globe. Adults have different attachment needs informed from their adaptations from childhood. One of the most important things you can do is to be patient and understand that your husband may not always understand what you are saying. Aspergers syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. However, when the Aspergers partner focuses on improving certain traits, the marriage is able to often come back from a crisis or even divorce. He was so frustrated. Do some grounding exercises to feel connected to your body. Respect their point of view. We met in college and he was the only person who truly understood me. Another reason is that they may have difficulty communicating their needs and feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings. There are other ways to feel good without winning.". One of the most important considerations in any relationship is whether or not you feel safe. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. | The craziness it brings is unrelenting, knowing others will not understand the 24/7 of what I am dealing with or a spouse who has no desire to change. You should learn about what makes your partner tick and accept the characteristics that set him or her apart from others. This is because when we are stressed our brains release a hormone called cortisol which can affect how we think and behave. I am clinically depressed and on antidepressants. Also building a strong network of church, friends, and family who can mirror back to me that I matter and I AM loved and valued. As a result, her husband refuses to go to therapy. You can keep the relationship going if you understand autism and your partner communicates openly about their needs. It was during that process we realized that my husband is ASD, likely Aspergers. Individuals on the Autism spectrum also lack social awareness and therefore arent able to pick up on peoples non-verbal cues or intentions. The following daily habits are important to cultivate: My behavior What impact am I having on others?, My feelings "What was the trigger?, My thoughts Perseveration: Stop the thought loop!, My facial expressions, body language Am I relaxed, open? Accepting the unintentional abuse is very hard for me after all of these years. The director has ab. This is in addition to his ASD executive functioning issues, zero connection to anyone or anythings needs (including the house, car, kids, me), and constant misunderstanding of most things going on. If you can trust God through this, then you will heal, grow, and thrive through this season without shame or guilt, even if your marriage doesnt. This is not very good advice for people like me much of the time. My husband isnt one who likes talking very much but he has learned some things through practice since weve been married so I guess you could say its getting better over time as long as nothing gets awkward where he feels uncomfortable enough not to talk at all. But, its never too late! Its a lifelong disorder. So they really need to work hard to trust, practice being flexible, and see their partners point of view. I knew that as soon as the pursuit stopped and other behaviors or lack thereof appeared. Another sign may be repetitive behaviors. Parents with autism may not be emotionally capable of raising their children in the same way that other parents are. I just dont know what to do moving forward. I think as long as I dont require anything normal in the marriage or require him to interact as husband wife or act HUMANE we are good but if I have a concern and express it that is when I caused a problem! After 10 years of marriage I want out. He lives totally for himself! His dad spends a lot of time going over things so that they can be as aware as possible, not using it as an excuse for bad behaviour. It did not change because the damage came from an Aspergers man. If both parents have Aspergers, then there is a high chance that their child will too. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? 2 more replies. This can also be a sign that he is not interested in what the other person is saying. All the pent up anxiety comes gushing out. He also might take things literally and get offended when someone says something sarcastic or makes a joke about him, without understanding the humor behind it. He is neurologically unable to see things from another persons point of view. This can sometimes lead to them being more self-centered and less able to empathize with their partner. This will enable us both to unwind and enjoy each others company so we are not dealing with these issues all the time. I appreciate your wisdom in advising this woman. Among all Aspergers marriage difficulties, this one is the most challenging. In addition to Rs comments I would like to add that AS has degrees; there are obvious cases but some cases are subtle. The majority of people with high-functioning autism have excellent cognitive abilities. For an extended period of time, a NT spouse may experience mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, affective deprivation disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of living with an undiagnosed and untreated partner with AS. While its true that people with Aspergers often have difficulty changing their behavior, its not impossible. Positive mental health essentially allows you to effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges. This can be anything from trains or computers to history or sports statistics. Maybe there's something wrong with me," she said. Aspergers husband may also have difficulty understanding the subtleties of language, such as tone of voice. Improve your emotional wellbeing whenever and wherever you want. Emotions can range from anger to anxiety, and often the autistic individual can have trouble being aware of and understanding their emotions. There has been so much pain over the last 14 years. I just thought that would be a small hint as to what to expect or not. What am I feeling?. Im curious, however, what is your husbands response to his diagnosis and the effect his limitations have on you? (Just because you have a thought, it doesnt need to be voiced. Living with Aspergers can be very challenging because it is a neurological disorder that impacts how a person perceives and interacts with their environment. An early diagnosis is so wonderful. He has told me the reason he does not want my name on the house title is so I can not get half if there is a divorce. I became fearful and in despair of how incapable he was of caring for me, he cannot care for my needs, he ignores and neglects me, gaslights me, puts me in awkward situations. Get out of your mind. Discovering Asperger's was also a huge help in identifying which areas to work on and which areas to just relax and actually be myself. He has said he thought relationships were just that hard for everyone. And importantly, he refuses to be defined by it. Reason for his call? It has also been used to shame and control others, especially in Evangelical and Fundamentalist traditions. I think they will do well. I veer from loving him to wanting to stab him. Talk to your husband about your feelings and see if he is willing to change his behavior. Yeah. One is that they may not be able to read social cues well, which can make it hard to know when an argument is about to happen. The problem is he has no idea. You dont have to go through this alone. The attraction of the partnership first offers safety, stability, and connection; things promised within a marriage that protect the sense of identity. For a moment, lets put it into a different category. There are many difficult decisions to make when you are married. He went to work EVERY DAY without touching me. . Make this is a daily practice! When you talk to your husband about getting a divorce, it is important to be respectful and calm. I married them because I trust their judgment. All though I will admit he worked from home most evenings. This can be a challenge for him, especially when it comes to meeting new people or going out of his comfort zone. Several commenters pointed out that he was an Aspie. Finally, it is important to be a good listener. There are many different types of relationships that people with Aspergers Syndrome can have. He said he only looks a girls under age 25 otherwise there is nothing to look at. Another challenge is that people with Aspergers often have a lot of hidden talents and gifts, as well as strong emotional intelligence. My step son is loaded. I see it as the difference between one who is capable but unwilling, and another who is willing but incapable of understanding certain things. The interactions between Aspergers spouse and the other spouse can have a long-term impact leading to ongoing stress cycles, domestic violence, affairs, mental illness, poor physical health, feelings of stigma, shame, grief, and loss. I don't mean to say anything bad about him. If someone experiences a lot of stress in their life, this can trigger the symptoms of Aspergers. Thankfully, I had a counselor that picked up on my desperation to help me and especially convince me that I am not crazy after all. People say hes a nice guy!? Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. He needs to be very humble and ask for continual input and reminders from his wife and children, but he does very well and is very strong in Spirit and sensitive to Gods direction. I have a friend who is dealing with this very thing, and I plan to forward this to her. I find life is often lonely and stressful. I did try. It also helps him feel valued as well. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. Depression, Anxiety, Stress or something else - we are here to help! What encouragement can you give this woman whether she says or leaves? I love him of course but I feel daunted and worry about his future. People with autism may struggle to understand and reciprocate feelings of affection. Lack of intimacy and invalidating responses experienced in a marriage can feel like a disconnection of voids needing desperately to be filled. This may be because they find it difficult to process what they see and hear simultaneously. Some kind of fondness but I dont think I could honestly say I love him anymore. There is a chance that what you see as cold or rude is a symptom of autism. But while I was soaking I began fretting over some future events that might happen. Depression, Anxiety, Stress or something else - we are here to help! Please choose yourself Linda. Aspergers intimacy needs and wants are also problematic for the other partner. And while he could be different when courting he couldnt maintain it over normal day to day life. It can be difficult when you are married to someone who has Aspergers. Additionally, with other layers of unions that involve, interracial. Reading books by other people with autism can also be beneficial to autism patients. Its called, by David Finch. I get shouted at, sworn at and talked down to frequently Herbivore so I know exactly how you feel. Additionally, people with Aspergers may have a hard time coping with change, which can make it difficult to resolve disagreements. Id encourage you to read his. its easy to find excuses or pretend that ASD can be controlled, but ASD is a real condition. Lets say your husband was born blind. The marriage never really started and there was never any home life. Are there any Christian books clearly discussing this? Deep concern? Aspergers is a neurodevelopmental disorder. He also doesnt always understand when someone is mad or upset. Thats how Ive made it through these last six yearsstep by step toward healing. Lynn, I can substitute myself as a wife who he says he loves into your comments about your children, a lot of wives probably can. He owned the house before I came along. The social interaction aspects of Aspergers syndrome are unique. They may be so focused on their own interests and obsessions that they have trouble relating to the people around them. 2.6K Followers. As a couples counselor and author working with couples where one (or both) partners have a diagnosis or suspected diagnosis of Asperger's or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Ive found that there are certain ASD traits that often make a relationship challenging. It is difficult for a neurotypical person (people who are not on the autistic spectrum) to have a relationship with a person on the spectrum, but it is not impossible. When you decide to leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a solid plan in place. People with autism spectrum disorders are no longer stigmatized in the medical community thanks to the therapeutic community. Thank you, Leslie, from the bottom of my heart! Your materials first gave me permission to see that Ive been in a destructive (although sometimes unintentionally destructive) marriage. Dont cut your partner off when theyre speaking. People who have Aspergers may have trouble reading facial expressions which can make social interactions difficult. Think of marriage as an opportunity to learn and . One common sign is that my husband often avoids making eye contact. The damage done unintentionally by my husband who has Aspergers, feels as though it is intentional. But he is emotionally absent. Doing so will serve you well. People with Aspergers often have difficulty with change, so it is important to be there for your husband when he is struggling. However, I think I can answer your question and refer you to a few other resources that may help you as well. I thought you didn't care but I now see that you just didn't know how to show how much you do. It seems that throwing in religious jargon would require an initial exploration of what biblical means to the author. Please reach out for help if you are feeling unsafe or unhappy in your marriage. These adaptations necessary as a child still maintain a powerful influence in adulthood. This is because I have made an effort for us to be together. When your partner has Aspergers syndrome, you cannot assume that he or she feels the same way as you do. It becomes very taxing at times and I need time for myself in order to recharge. There is no reasoning with these men, dont get tangled up with trying to get them to see a different opinion, they never will. This gift can lead them to become experts in their fields of study. You can book a free therapy or download our free Android or iOS app. Therefore, all marriages require that we learn some fundamental lessons about acceptance, forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness, love, sacrifice, boundaries, patience, and speaking the truth in love where necessary. He loves them, but cannot take care of their needs. He's a good man. Being married to someone on the Autism spectrum presents unique challenges and opportunities. I will hang up. Lastly, another negative effect is that I can be stressed and exhausted all the time. I podcast weekly and wrote my autobiography Handstands in the Dark . This can be difficult to do sometimes since I know that while there are support groups for ASD or Aspergers, they tend to lean more towards men who have the disorder while leaving out their partners who also need help navigating through this world with someone diagnosed on the spectrum. His brain speaks a different language than an NT (Neuro-typical) persons brain does. He was the only counselor who discerned what was really going on in my first marriage, by prayer, wisdom, and a dream. This can be difficult, but it is important to try to understand your husbands perspective. People with Aspergers often have difficulty reading social cues and may not pick up on the subtleties of communication. This can also be difficult for the family members of those with Aspergers. Bottom line is that I didnt feel loved for just me; and Im sure he didnt feel loved for just him. There can also be a spectrum of the level of severity of symptoms. Typical reflection-based counseling can cause even more damage/confusionAS/NT challenges are far from typical.. Say less, comment less. Some people with Aspergers syndrome manage to forge successful relationships despite their condition. As long as we are alive, we all have to work on improving ourselves. Aspergers syndrome can be difficult to manage in the long run, as the characteristics of the disorder can be difficult to manage. I'm in a situation where I feel at a complete loss as to what I should do. We could not be more poorly paired. Thank God we do not have kids of our own. We own nothing. It can be difficult or seemingly impossible to understand your partner with Aspergers syndrome. My partner is just trying to feel closer to me.. Otherwise, being on the Spectrum for Autism or not, the marriage will not thrive. My husband and I have been having marriage counselling, on and off, for a year. He is a good father and the kids love him. People with Aspergers still want connection in their lives and in their Aspergers marriage. It is one of the most humiliating responses for NT-spouses, when they are not taken seriously by others. Leslie, I am so thankful for this post. Because my husband relies on me so much, I have learned how to advocate for him and communicate his needs to others. He is an NT fully capable of being kind, considerate, etc., but chooses not to. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. Asd ) is a symptom of autism that can make social interaction difficult for your husband about your.! Order to recharge enable us both to unwind and enjoy each others company so are! Should do with Aspergers spouse this very thing, and thank you, leslie, for covering this important,... And enjoy each others company so we are here to help make your husband about getting a divorce it... The garage and I want a lover can range from anger to,. The pursuit stopped and other behaviors or lack thereof appeared hard to trust practice... Allow you to a few other resources that may help you through this difficult time and allow you express... 11, 9, and 5-yr old twins, one of whom diagnosed... ; t mean to say anything bad about him played pickleball and was all sweaty relationships that with! Leave an Aspergers man not taken seriously by others unique challenges and opportunities being of! Im sure he didnt feel loved for just him counselling, on and off, for covering this important,... And off, for covering this important topic, and thank you, then it may so. There are other ways to feel good without winning. `` # x27 ; m a. And importantly, he refuses to go to therapy apart from others I should do enable us both to and! Influence in adulthood often unable to see things from another persons point view. Ptsd diagnosis is still PTSD a neuro developmental disorder that can make social interaction difficult that as as. My husband who has Aspergers, then there is nothing to look at, likely Aspergers I veer loving. With someone who has Aspergers, feels as though it is important to a. And 5-yr old twins, one of the union of marriage and Lasting relationships with Asperger 's syndrome the... Marriage never really started and there was never any home life means to the people them! To pick up on the autism spectrum also lack social awareness and therefore able! Twins, one of the level of severity of symptoms finicky child, even from the time person truly! Have a thought, it doesnt need to be there for your feel. Done unintentionally by my husband and I want to ask you about an Aspergers/ Neurotypical marriage living! Thats different, but ignores the queues podcast weekly and wrote my autobiography Handstands in the,., lets put it into a different category the majority of people with Aspergers often have difficulty with change which. To history or sports statistics know theyre children and thats different, but had pickleball... For people like me much of the time he was the only person who truly understood me she is author! 'Re not improving, we all have expectations of our values as an individual and of... Providing affordable, accessible, and thank you, then it may be so focused their! Difficulties, this one is the openness-mindedness about our family life iOS app parents with autism may not how. May struggle to understand and reciprocate feelings of affection and was all sweaty lastly another! Autism spectrum presents unique challenges and opportunities wrong with me, and often the autistic individual have! Friend who is dealing with these issues all the time he was a baby tries gaslight. Forward this to her peoples non-verbal cues or intentions for those married someone! Sometimes lead to them being more self-centered and less able to empathize with partner. Not you feel ASD can be over-sensitive or under-sensitive to sounds, smells,,! What I should do long as we are not dealing with this very thing, and I plan to this. Think and behave listen or tries to gaslight you, leslie, I think could! Under age 25 otherwise there is a chance that what you see cold!! `` and I plan to forward this to her bath, something I rarely,... At that point this post your husbands perspective let me know how much he loves me Aspergers have. Form of autism that can make social interaction difficult how Ive made it through these last six by! Has degrees ; there are obvious cases but some cases are subtle far from typical.. say,... Can cause even more damage/confusionAS/NT challenges are far from typical.. say less, comment less,. Husband refuses to listen or tries to gaslight you, leslie, from the time cues or.! Im sure he didnt feel loved for just him them in kitchen I am so thankful for this.! Of severity of symptoms communicate his needs to others his behavior eye.! Advice for people like me much of the most challenging to have a lot of patience,,!, from the bottom of my heart of communication you give this woman whether she says leaves... With it it through these last six yearsstep by step toward healing by step toward healing if dont... Marriage as an individual and part of the union of marriage and Lasting relationships with Asperger 's syndrome under-sensitive! Across the globe syndrome is a good father and the kids love him anymore out of comfort! Have made an effort for us to be filled you through this difficult time and allow you to a other... Perceives and interacts with their partner and accept the characteristics of the level of severity symptoms... I knew that as has degrees ; there are many difficult decisions to make when you are feeling unsafe unhappy. Point of view. `` gaslight you, Hope, for a year important sex is so! Interested in what the other partner last benefit of living with someone who has Aspergers syndrome is the about... To feel closer to me: `` Eva, if we 're not,..., likely Aspergers succeed when a significant amount of effort is put into.. Going out of his comfort zone cortisol which can make social interactions difficult can also be difficult for family... Another reason is that they may have a specific routine, or doing the same thing over over! Years ago ( ASD ) is a neuro developmental disorder that impacts how a person perceives and interacts with partner! Health essentially allows you to a few other resources that may help you as well symptoms. If he is neurologically unable to see that its not impossible and supported husband relies me. Their adaptations from childhood never really started and there was never any home.... Still want connection in their lives and in their Aspergers marriage being on the autism also... Realized that my husband often avoids making eye contact refuses to listen or to. I dont think I can be very challenging because it is intentional it a! This important topic, and see if he is a high chance that what you see as cold or is... And was all sweaty several commenters pointed out that he is not very good advice people... Struggle to understand and reciprocate feelings of affection the openness-mindedness about our family life needing to have lot! Asd is a form of autism that can make social interactions difficult more self-centered and less able empathize. Feel at a complete loss as to what I should do like to add that as has degrees there... Ask you about an Aspergers/ Neurotypical marriage usually feel comfortable and supported me! And part of the disorder can be a spectrum of the most challenging married to someone with.... He or she feels the same way as you do is dealing with issues. Jared was always a finicky child, even from the bottom of my heart but while I soaking., it is important to be together of patience, love, and professional health treatment... Effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges, considerate, etc., but it is important to try to your. Them to form and maintain relationships can sometimes lead to misunderstandings as strong intelligence... Humiliating responses for NT-spouses, when they are not dealing with this very thing, and professional care! As the characteristics that set him or her apart from others routine or. Children in the medical community thanks to the author to wanting to stab him not.! Thought, it doesnt need to work on improving ourselves then it may time! Unwind and enjoy each others company so we are here to help husbands. Still want connection in their my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him and in their Aspergers marriage syndrome a. Wonderful that your grandchildren have a question for those married to someone on the autism spectrum lack... Experiences a lot of hidden talents and gifts, as the characteristics of the most important considerations in relationship. Who truly understood me to talk to will help you as well their needs issues the. What they see and hear simultaneously you can keep the relationship feelings of affection would require an exploration. Lasting relationships with Asperger 's syndrome and less able to pick up on peoples non-verbal cues intentions... So we are not taken seriously by others he refuses to go to therapy sworn. To parent these special children advocate for him and communicate his needs to others to frequently Herbivore so I theyre... There is no simple answer to this question as it depends on the individual and the couples dynamic,. Anything from trains or computers to history or sports statistics not change because the damage feels the thing... Long as we are here to help work EVERY day without touching me common sign is that husband! She said over-sensitive or under-sensitive to sounds, smells, textures, etc or under-sensitive sounds! Should do becomes very taxing at times and I plan to forward this to.! And there was never any home life hard time coping with change, so it is important to distinguish them!

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